Mama Muse • Mandy Cai

"We bring all of our life experiences into birth, then our experiences of birth into postpartum, and from our experiences of postpartum to beyond."

Introduction

My name is Mandy Cai, I am the mother of Ella who is 4 and Ralph who is almost 2. Originally from Melbourne, I am currently based in Shanghai with my husband, kids and 2 fur babies. Although I was never certain I wanted children, becoming a mother has been a deep journey of awakening and healing, allowing me to reconnect with my whole self. My passion is in understanding the significance of birth and its impact on maternal wellbeing. And in particular for this season, I work with mothers in the postpartum to hold space for them to process challenging aspects of birth and heal traumatic birth experiences.

What was your favourite thing about the newborn phase?

The most special thing about the newborn phase is the smell and feel of my babies’ skin. There is something so delicious about being connected in this sensual way and it reminds me of how beautiful it is to just be soft and slow.

What did you find challenging about being a new mother?

I personally found having unresolved trauma coming up being the most challenging. We tend to think that birth and becoming a new mother as isolated incidents, but we’re really weaving a thread between our past and into the future. We bring all of our life experiences into birth, then our experiences of birth into postpartum, and from our experiences of postpartum to beyond.

For my daughter, becoming a new mother brought me out of a numbed state and suddenly I was faced with so many things from my childhood that needed to be worked on and healed. It was tough and quite shocking to be confronted with it all. Having said that, I now appreciate having the opportunities to come home to myself.

The birth of my son was not the experience I had prepared for or desired and after processing for almost 2 years, I now understand for it to be traumatic. I think not being able to talk about it for a long time brought a lot of inner turmoil, I thought it was just me not being able to handle being a mother of two but my first 12 months as a mother of two was really a natural trauma response.

How were you supported during your postpartum period and what would you change if you could go back in time?

I am Chinese, so the idea of confinement has been in my awareness for some time but honestly, growing up in Australia I had more of a Westernised mindset. I looked all all my friends back home who did everything themselves and thought that I also needed that badge of honour.

For my first, I did no confinement and did not have family around because China as a country was already in lockdown with the borders closed. I don’t think I even looked after myself at all, the focus was purely on my daughter. I would even say that I was a bit arrogant at shrugging off the idea of needing to nourish myself during this period.

I held a similar belief with my son but with more knowledge and connected to my instincts, I arranged for my friends to do a month-long meal train which was not only a practical lifesaver, but very nurturing for my soul. I just really rejected the idea of confinement, even though it is so normalised here to be cared for. By the end of the first month, it was extremely obvious to me that I was just not going to make it if I didn’t ask for more help. We ended up hiring a confinement helper to stay in our home who ended up being with us for 4 months to help with making meals and being solid back up with the baby.

If I could go back in time, I would really work on my mindset to let go of these preconceived notions of needing to tough things out to be a good mother. I would not want my kids to enter their parenting journeys like that and to be able to comfortably receive support so that they can enjoy things more with ease.

List your top 3 essentials for a new mother.

1. A wise-mother friend who can guide you back to your inner wisdom

2. Meal train from anyone who wants to contribute, allow yourself to receive

3. Understanding biologically normal infant sleep 

Are there any rituals or practices during your 4th trimester you'd like to share?

Treat your body, mind and spirit as if you are an elite athlete because motherhood is the longest marathon we will ever run, especially if we are breastfeeding. Whatever habits we take time to cultivate in the 4th trimester will last us a lifetime and there is no better time to rewire our neuropathways. I like to start with diet first because its the most tangible.

In addition, I recommend to take time to process your birth experience whether it is simply to honour it or to heal from it. It is the most significant event that happens for us as women that involves our whole being from our physical selves to our mental, emotional and spiritual selves. But too often, we just rush past it like it doesn’t make an impact. I created The Birth Experience Journal as a gentle, heart-centred guided reflection tool for this purpose.

Discover The Birth Experience Journal here. Honor and heal your childbirth narrative with thoughtful prompts to reconnect you with your wholeness.

Perfect for postpartum recovery, as a gift, and for years after a challenging birth, this hardcover keepsake offers a healing journey for the soul.

See Instagram post here.