CONFINEMENT CHRONICLES • Heanney Banks
My postpartum experience in Hong Kong with Raiden in 2019
My partner had 2 weeks off work so he was really helpful to have as that emotional support to lean on. My mum and my aunties took turns to visit us every single day for the first month. Our home always had extended there to keep me company and be with Raiden and that felt really supportive and important to me. I remember my auntie would arrive to our place and check in how I'm doing, how the night went and then once Raiden was getting sleepy, she would gently nudge me to go rest in my room. The first few times she did this, I was stubborn and refused the help and I would say things like “its okay I can put him down” or ”I'm not tired” but she would insist, and ask me to leave my phone in the living room and just lie on my bed and see how I go. I always ended up drifting into a nap and so I learned to always say yes to rest.
I was never somebody who could sit down and do nothing but during the confinement period, I had no pressure on myself, nowhere I had to go, I didn’t have to look a certain way cause I'm not seeing anything other than family, it allowed me to truly embrace this slow and soft period of getting to know Raiden and I believe it also gave him the time and space to get to know me.
Yes, we had a confinement lady support us for the first 4 weeks.
I loved having all my meals cooked for me and I also loved learning about all the ingredients that were used for certain phases of my postpartum to support milk supply or for healing or for warming. I also loved just being at home, in my PJs all day and connect with Raiden. It allowed us to find our rhythm with feeding and sleeping pretty early on cause we were home so much.
I honestly really enjoyed my postpartum period with Raiden, I never looked after myself the way I was able to during this time of my life so I can list a lot more pros than cons.
The only cons I have in mind, is that I remember feeling disempowered by my confinement lady because she had her opinions around breastfeeding and feeding with the bottle and that was hurtful at the time, I felt judged for my choices it was such a vulnerable time.
What food were you fed (would love if you could take photos, like a food diary).
A lot of congee for the first few weeks, and soups every single day. The first few weeks was about easily digestible meals and then once I could have rice again, I think I had rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner for months and I loved it! Whenever my milk supply dipped, I would have papaya soup and it’s amazing how it works every single time. Every meal was prepared carefully and made with love and I remember being surprised by how quickly my body was healing.
I was surprised to enjoy it so much to be honest and also how long it takes to prepare each meal! It was so well thought through, I'm still amazed by confinement ladies and families who support mamas through this journey. It takes a lot of patience and love.
I was tired of course but physically I felt surprised to feel strong. I remember the first walk I went on with Raiden after 4 weeks, I had him on my chest and I really felt that I was ready to bring more movement into my day and I slowly started to take easy walks with him for one of the naps. I remember crying over spilt milk and being so exhausted from trying to breastfeed Raiden successfully, but overall, I was in a really good place mentally, enjoying and really appreciative of the time I have during this time with Raiden.
Were you well prepared for your postpartum?I think I was except for breastfeeding but we got there in the end.
My only advise to a new first time mom is to put together your village. Can you offload cooking for the first couple weeks? Can your friends drop off meals to you? Do you have family who can spend time with you each week? As women, we are tough and we can do it all but knowing we don’t have to because our healing takes time is crucial. It's also important to give yourself permission to accept help, especially during this vulnerable season of motherhood.
I did have a lactation consultant for the first 2 weeks who was an angel and helped me tremendously.
How did you feel coming out of confinement? Did you feel empowered and confident or did it feel like a lot of support was suddenly taken away?
My postpartum experience in Australia with Kai in 2022
We had a beautiful postpartum doula, Leila who helped me 5 days a week for the first 30 days. My mum flew over to support me after 2 weeks and then my auntie came to visit a month later and ended up staying 10 months. My midwife also made daily and weekly visits for the first month which was so nice and it meant I didn’t have to take Kai to clinics or hospitals for any check ups, she would do all of them at our home. This was during covid and we had moved to Australia a month before I fell pregnant with Kai so I really took the time to create my own village in Australia.
Having Leila visit a couple hours a day and prepare meals for me for the day felt so familiar and it reminded me a lot of my postpartum days with Raiden. That meant so much to me. We became friends the moment we met, so it was really nice to have her around most days, with her knowledge and all the support she gave me, I’m forever grateful.
My auntie and mum visiting made me feel like I was back in Hong Kong. I needed family around especially because my husband wasn’t able to take much time off work and with my family’s support, he didn’t have to worry about me whilst being at work.
My auntie took over with cooking, housework and really looking after me as soon as she arrived a month into my postpartum, which was perfect timing because it was coming to the end of my help from Leila. My mum was so helpful with Raiden, they would play together for hours which was so important having a new born and a toddler.
My mum and my aunt also took over the nights by feeding Kai while I pumped and often I would have to put Raiden back to sleep as he was waking up at nights still. So that was SO SO helpful, I don’t know what I’d do without them.
Leila my postpartum doula and once a week we had a babysitter to help with Raiden.
This confinement experience was quite different from my experience in HK with my first born. My auntie and my mum lived with us, and so the pros are that I had support all day everyday while I had them. I honestly really enjoyed it. I grew up with a lot of family gatherings and big family events and so having family around is really emotionally and physically supportive to me. They always reminded me to rest and made sure I ate well. I cannot complain.
What food were you fed (would love if you could take photos, like a food diary).
I had almost everything in Leila’s Village for Mama Recipe book and everything was delicious! She really made the efforts to get to know my favourite dishes from my PP with Raiden and even made me the black vinegar pig dish, my absolute favourite. My meals were a mix of western dishes and Chinese dishes. What was really good are her one hand bites, which was SO handy for those night hunger strikes. I still remember her turkey bites and muffins. SO GOOD! My auntie made traditional Hong Kong family style dishes and there was always a soup every day. We were spoilt with good food!
I was surprised how emotional I was this time around. I felt overwhelmed a lot, mostly through the transition of becoming a mother of 2. The mom guilt when I wasn’t spending as much time with Raiden, and then the guilt for not doing the nights with Kai because I was with Raiden. I struggled with that the first couple months. On top of that, living with family comes with challenges. They were minor, like navigating family dynamics but I think because I felt so emotionally drained, it really dysregulated my nervous system.
I feel like I was as prepared as I could. Leila and I worked closely with my TCM practitioner who helped us put together the meal plan for the first month. My TCM practitioner Naomi was so amazing, she also sourced all my soup ingredients. She also came to give me acupuncture treatments at home which was heavenly and I also had my chiro visit me and Kai for some adjustments. I prepared as much as I could so that I didn’t have to leave home for the first month and I knew that once my family arrived to Australia, that we would have more help with Raiden and so I tried to prepare as much as I could for the first month.
Having experienced the postpartum period twice, I would say the same thing, lean on help. Don’t try to do it all by yourself, you absolutely can and I know many women who do especially in Australia but you do not have to go through this period alone. So lean on family, or hire a doula if you can, or ask your friends to support in any way they can so that you can take the time to transition into motherhood, no matter how many times you’ve done it.
Did you seek any support from people outside your family? (Doula, massage therapist, lactation consultant etc.)?
Kai had tongue tie so we had support from a lactation consultant, as well as my beautiful chiropractor and acupuncturist Naomi.
How did you feel coming out of confinement? Did you feel empowered and confident or did it feel like a lot of support was suddenly taken away?
To be honest, I struggled this time round. Once auntie left 4 months later, it took us a while to find our rhythm. Raiden got sick almost every week, we all caught covid and then Kai developed silent reflux and so he was up every 30mins every nap and every night for a couple months. It felt like it was one thing after another for a couple of months, and thinking back it’s all such a blur now. The lack of sleep and amount of visits to the doctors and hospitals just took a huge toll on me. I spiraled into a pretty dark place and was diagnosed with post-partum depression. The lack of support definitely triggered something, and motherhood never felt so lonely. Having experienced the lack of support, it made me truly understand the real importance of family support. Having said that looking back, this was the best thing that could happen to me because it was at my lowest that I discovered breathwork which has healed and continue to heal me in so many ways, and alongside talk therapy, I slowly started to piece myself together. I am so grateful to have an auntie like I do, because she returned from Germany to be with us and stayed for another 4 months. The whole family quickly found our rhythm again after a very short time, it felt right and I honestly could not thank my auntie enough for being there for me through it all.