Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month | Louisa Dewar
(shared stories from our Elan community) 
When I was in my early 20's I unexpectedly fell pregnant.
I had been very ill with a pelvic infection when I was 19 and didn't actually think motherhood was on the cards for me as I'd been told by the doctors that the trauma from the infection would make almost impossible. I was still trying to come to terms with that a few years later, when I missed my period.
At first I was very scared. I was only 22, not in the most stable of relationships, and wasn't sure of the level of support I would receive. All I knew was that I would cherish this child. I kept it secret from everyone, including the father. The only exception to this was my best friend.
I was scared and excited about becoming a mum and how much that would not only change my life, but also tether it to my partner. I was determined to make my headspace as positive as possible and nurtured my body, following my doctor's advice religiously.
And six weeks later, I was preparing to tell my partner the news when I suffered some excruciating abdominal pain while I was at work. I knew what was happening, I called my bestie and stayed on the phone with her throughout. Having her share these moments with me was pivotal because I had never felt so alone.
My partner was not supportive and our relationship didn't last much longer after.
My emotions were greatly conflicted in the aftermath. I cared for myself medically, but my emotions were very heavy and confusing. There was relief in the respect that I didn't want to be tied to the father, which led to guilt for feeling relief. The grief for the little on I'd never met was the heaviest. It wasn't painful so much as a weight I had to learn to simply include in my world.
If I could give a piece of advice to a mum of loss it would be to embrace your village and ask them to hold your space so you can learn to breathe again.
It's easy to internalise the emotional waves that flow through as in these moments, but it is not healthy or wise. You are never alone. While every mama has their own story and journey of loss, being held by someone who understands makes the weight lighter for a while.
My healing journey was varied. I initially hid from the world and tried to pretend nothing had happened. I had only told one person so it was easy to put on a facade. But I didn't do as good a job as I thought. I lost a lot of weight, zero patience or focus and people in all my circles noticed. I eventually had to admit not only to myself but to others what I had gone through. It was horrible, but also releasing.
It took a while, but I did heal. I attended women's circles, emotional healing classes, whatever I could find that I felt resonated with me I signed up for and learned the power that came with sharing my journey.
Share. Share it all. It's messy and painful. It's also empowering to embrace it all and allow others to help you rise again.
Words by Louisa Dewar, Mother to Emily & Charlotte.