(shared stories from our Elan community)

Pregnancy Loss has infiltrated my life for the last 3 years, and the grief experienced is nothing id come close to in my life prior. 

Our beautiful son Parker was born the 5th of November 2021 after his heart had stopped during early labour at full term. I went on after a very long labour to bring his beautiful body home to us and we spent a few days in hospital with him, creating a very small amount of memories that we now hold so close to our hearts. We spent 12months giving him space in our family, honouring our grief and sharing his name and memory with everyone in our life. 

12 months after he was born, we decided to try to conceive again only to experience our 2nd pregnancy ending due to TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons) at 14weeks. 

The next 2 subsequent months we were successful at conceiving only to have a chemical pregnancy (5weeks) and early miscarriage (7 weeks) occur. 

" Pregnancy after loss requires DEEP care, and I was incredibly proactive in making sure I was surrounded with people that understood our journey, what each day meant and were there to hold the pain, fear and joy simultaneously."

Parker was our first pregnancy, first baby and our pregnancy was a dream. It was incredibly intuitive and I felt so connected to him. I treasure the special ignorance that happens before you’ve experienced loss and am grateful for the joy that pregnancy brought. 

My 5th pregnancy (with my living daughter) was one filled with markers of points I needed to get to in order to breath a little easier, it took weeks after she was born alive to come to terms with the reality that she was here, and got to stay with us. 

Pregnancy after loss requires DEEP care, and I was incredibly proactive in making sure I was surrounded with people that understood our journey, what each day meant and were there to hold the pain, fear and joy simultaneously. 

Really early on I remember reading about the statistics around divorce post loss and feeling heartbroken at the thought of not only loosing my son, but losing the love of my life too. 

We had to learn a new level of communication during our early grief, as we both could no longer support each other in the way we usually did because we were just trying to survive ourselves. We spoke about the importance of honoring each other where they are at, discussing ways in which we both felt comfortable expressing our grief and reminding each other that our love for our boy is there to hold us together. 

I initially shared my early grief online, it felt not only therapeutic to express but also a way to communicate with those around us without having to talk. 

My husband and I both had 3 months off together after Parker was born and spent the first 8ish weeks staying very close to home and just feeling our grief and all of the subsequent emotions. With our additional losses I took what I physically needed off but felt like work was serving as a distraction. 

It’s ok to be so consumed by the magnitude of your pain and grief. Give yourself the space to cry, to share with those you love, and do what feels right for you. 

It’s given me an incredible level of empathy for what it means to sit alongside people’s hard. Without loss pregnancy and motherhood  already come with a bunch of uncharted territories, a bucketload of emotions, challenges, lessons and the need to both feel the hard and celebrate the joy. 

I’m now not afraid of the big emotions and the discomfort as I’ve sat through some of the hardest moments in my life. 

I’d go back in a heartbeat if I could change our son dying, and can honor the juxtaposition of both being grateful for the lessons and wishing he was still here. 

We have a beautiful space at home with our son’s ashes, his photo and special mementos. Sunflowers became his totem so we look for them in unique situations as well as visit a sunflower farm every year to pick giant bunches. 

His birthday is known as Parker’s Day and we have a picnic in the park where we held his memorial with our close family. 

We also filmed a video of his memorial, the nursery we created for him and a combination of special pregnancy memories that is a special keepsake and one we will watch with his little sister. 

Another part of my sons legacy is I now deliver training within my work place for leaders within the business around pregnancy and infant loss that provides education and understanding on how to support staff during and post loss and facilitate return to work. 

We had an outpouring of love and support after Parker was born in the form of a meal train for the first few weeks, alongside beautiful gifts and flowers. The best support we recieved was people leaning in to the uncomfortable. Being around families of loss is hard, but we are so grateful for those that sat with us, that speak his name and that forever see our boy as part of our family not just a baby that died. 

Be curious. 

I acknowledge that not everyone wants to talk about their loss (either at all or at particular times) but a lot of the time conversation is just avoided rather than giving those experiencing loss the space to share. 

I LOVED when people ask his name, about what he looked like, how my birth or pregnancy was or just what my grief looks like from day to day.

It makes me feel like my motherhood journey has space alongside others rather than pretending I was never pregnant.
 

See Instagram post here.